Gents, we’re fuckin back. Man, that was a long offseason. I don’t know about you, but I was itching in August. I forgot how long it takes me to flip the model over to a new season, so this week’s blurb is going to be the shorter end as I get back into the swing of things. I noticed quite a few management mistakes this week, myself included, as we get back into season form, but with that said, Week 1 is in the books and we’re stirring the pot. Let’s dig.
Matchups
First off, a big welcome to the league to Aaron. For those of you that don’t know, Aaron hails from the Burgh and attended Pitt with Evan, send flowers accordingly. CptnBigDick took little time to adjust, smacking the blunt out of Lantz’s mouth in a 6-4 victory on the extended week. What’s more, Aaron sported a 69 Index on the week, topping both Lantz and the Power Rankings for the start of the season sporting top 3 marks in Sv%, PPP, SOG, Hits, Goals, and top of the charts in Assists and Blocks (yikes). Fluke or Fortuna, need not apply, Aaron sporting the Elo ruins of Elm, snaked 10.8 points. Elo will continue to be a dumpster fire as Aaron and Wes regress to their true rank over the coming weeks. Clutch those pearls and white knuckle to the bubble. For those concerned, Lantz has indeed dusted off the L and put it back in his mouth, where it belongs.
Speaking of Wes, a big welcome back to the sleeping giant. George picked up right where he left off, handing a 6-3 L to Rad’s Kobayashi Maru; a true test in difficulty as he works to balance out this year’s roster in rebuild efforts. Wes snuck 9.4 Elo away from his 54 Index performance with top marks in Goals, +/-, and Shots. He had 29 goals; what the fuck. It’s hard to really blame Rad’s performance with a 47 Index, top marks in PPP and Sv%. Look for Radical to bounce back in Week 2’s matchup against J Drape.
Draper and Sako split the baby in half this week, finishing 5-5 and relative indices of 28 and 44. It seems Jay racked up some wasted stats to break even on the week and there was relatively no elo exchange as these two jack russels sit in the middle of the pack. Draper has his work cut out for him next week against Wes, as does Jason setting his eyes on Doebz.
Zaj proved to be marginally Lesser than Bettman this week, as Caruso edged a 5-4 victory over Zeek. Candidly, Zarg did fight his way back from a 7-3 deficit heading into Sunday and stole Sv% on the last fucking shot of the week. Even so, it was all but sunshine for the boys as they both posted Indices under 40 with little Elo exchange. Both need to shake off the early season jitters and get their shit together. Outside of Doebler’s Save total, nothing much to write home about in this matchup.
Barbs, who takes an opportunity every season to shame one person in the league with his name, has decided to reciprocate and shit on as many as possible. This week’s loser was TK as B dished a 6-4 finish into the books. What could be worse than Barbs 10th ranked .894 Sv%? You guessed, TK’s 12th ranked .878. With that said, Barbs through the spaghet at the wall for goaltending this week, finishing with 336 Saves, the most in league history. Barbs and Teek both finished with index ratings sub 50 with 5 Elo finding its way to Barbs on the exchange. Lots of room for improvement, but situations could be worse. They are poised to take on Jim and Aaron in Week 2 respectively.
Last but certainly not least, last season’s champion, Jimbo gave it to Evan Right in the Kuch (I’m going to get a lot of mileage out of this) this week with a 6-4 decisive victory. Both Jim and Evan sported a 54 Index on the week, displaying a tight matchup with marginal Victories in Hits and Goaltending Wins favoring Jimmy. Evan looks in preseason form as Jim’s -12 rating still ravaged Evan’s -20 performance. Jim still has yet to receive possession for the trophy after last year’s win by neglect from our commissioner so buy him a beer if you ever do see him, and maybe ask him how his wedding was (congrats dirt!). I’m fairly certain we at least bought the centerpieces with our generous league donation.
Wrap-up
Good Week 1 dudes, keep it rollin. I think this is a pretty poopy blurb, but it’s my first time writing about Week 1 where I normally have months of performance and matchups to lean on. Thanks to everyone that got their dues to me already. If you haven’t yet, please get them to me asap or send me a groupme about it so I can keep it tight. Let’s set a record this year for getting all dues before mid-season, I beg of you.